#but as long as i don't know the anxiety of taking the meds kinda voids the effects
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got nothing done today except accidentally deleting all my files off the computer and having to recover them so basically i need to be frankly insanely productive tomorrow so i can go to my granddad's birthday on friday without stressing. of course there is no chance in hell this will happen but i can pretend for a little while longer
#i was in SUCH a good headspace earlier today as well#like actually motivated and somewhat focused and everything#but then i got stuck at my granddad's for like two hours#and had to eat dinner when i got home#and by the time i could finally start working i was so stressed about the wasted time#i couldn't focus anymore and then i started feeling really weird and by the time that passed my meds had worn off and all hope was lost#i mean i still feel Bad but i've more or less convinced myself it's anxiety#and if somehow it isn't then hopefully i will know soon 👍#literally not even stressed about whatever it is in itself its just id like to know if i can keep taking meds without making something worse#and i Have to take the meds to get shit done#but as long as i don't know the anxiety of taking the meds kinda voids the effects#otherwise my anxiety is better on meds though like mentally its better but the physical symptoms are worse#the parts i know for a fact are just anxiety that is#if it's ALL anxiety then thats kinda funny actually. like ok. logic#idk what the fuck im on about im in bed hopefully i can sleep soon so i can get up at ass oclock and wait for a message from the gp's office
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Kiz, I think I need to recognize this blog is less about ever finding love and more about my occasional need to shout into the void.
There's so much you can't say to people you love. I don't want to bring them down or make them worry. If it was "serious" - if it was life or death - then I think I would ask for help. But my anxiety crying and skipping meals? Nah, we can make that another just me problem. Everyone in my circle is having a lot of life things right now, so why bother them.
I am encouraging myself to eat as possible, so it's not terrible. I have done what I have to at work. So I'm a functional member of society.
But I do kinda wonder every few hours what it will take to have me break.
I should probably email my psychologist and see if a temporary increase in my medication is an option. In a month, a lot of my current issues will be settled. So I'm unsure if there would even be a noticeable change in such little time, or if I should just continue to ride it out.
I wonder why I always circle back to issues of love when I'm at my worst. There is of course the idea of a white knight to swoop in and take care of all the stress. But I'm also extremely pragmatic and reasonable and understand that's a fairytale. In reality no one should be anyone's entire solution to happiness.
But logic seldom wins against anxiety. Which is why I'm on meds in the first place. It's just strange I gravitate to romance stories when I also know that I won't do well in a traditional romance and don't really believe anyone would put up with me anyway. What sense does that make?
I am so done Kiz. I have another day of work and two family birthdays and housework this weekend and a houseguest Sunday night. The cats are almost as stressed and I'm just glad both are now out from under the bed.
I know it's illogical in every way imaginable. But I really do wish I had a white knight. I think that only gets worse as I get older. I have had a very lucky life so I cannot seem ungrateful. Still. I do wish sometimes that life was not so long. There is no need to end it, as that hurts everyone else and I would not want that. But it is very much like summers as a child. You do everything you want in the first two weeks and spend the next two months in boredom for school to start again.
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